


The Cure You're Looking For Might Be A Symptom Of Something Else, Lovely

by LandOfMistAndSecrets



Category: Homestuck
Genre: And A Bunch Of Emotional Oversharing, Earth C (Homestuck), Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, M/M, Magically Altered Mental States, Porn with some plot, Post-Canon, So many pesterlogs., Weird & Arguably Accidental Application Of Unfathomably Potent Powers, pesterlogs, somnophilia (sort of)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 19:28:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11698368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LandOfMistAndSecrets/pseuds/LandOfMistAndSecrets
Summary: These early days in the dawn of eternity are better than what they left behind, but that doesn't mean there aren't still problems. Stupid problems. Silly problems. Serious problems that are easy to frame as stupid and silly. You know -- the usual.(AKA I got a prompt to write somnophilia and then proceeded to frame it in a wrapper of existential crisis. Also, didn't actually write somnophilia. But you be the judge.)





	The Cure You're Looking For Might Be A Symptom Of Something Else, Lovely

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mimsical](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mimsical/gifts).



> Thanks for the prompt, and fuck me this is NOTHING AT ALL like what we talked about buuuuuuut I hope you'll like it anyway. phew lad.

Here's the thing about Dirk. 

He's _never_ relaxed.

It's written all over his pose and the set of his muscles, the way he always moves forward like he's holding himself back. He never sits easy. Even when he's leaned back, eyes half closed, even when it _seems_ like he ought to be half a lick away from god dreams and far from whatever nonsense that's got him all perpetually done up, there this certain telltale tension in him. The set of his jaw. The lines of his mouth. Like he's waiting for a blow or bad news or both at once. His smiles are rare and they only come cautiously, quickly, there and then buried like he's afraid to be seen experiencing happiness. Probably afraid indulging in it will bring on some devastating karmic ruin. That sounds like him. 

Even when he sleeps, he has that little frown on more often than not. His lips twitch now and then, his eyes wander beneath the lids, and sometimes he'll flail a limb or toss from one side to the other. He’s restless and anxious and just about the world's lightest, least engaged sleeper. It's funny; he used to think there was nothing Dirk could possibly be bad at. Of course the thing to flummox him completely would be something as damn simple as this.

He's sleeping now, if you can call it that. More dozing, really. Jake is watching him, seated at a little workbench covered in scattered design documents and little bits and bobs of varying size and shape. It's a reversal of fortune of sorts -- normally it'd be Dirk seated here, tinkering around at some god awful hour of the morning while Jake snored blissfully away in bed. Truthfully, he's feeling the weight of the day pulling at him a little. He's cracking yawns at regular intervals, rubbing his eyes to scrub the blurriness out. He could climb into bed, snuggle up beside Dirk and be out in five minutes, but, well... it just feels a little bit _wasteful._ Dirk will be up before he is. Won't be asleep until after he is, if in fact he even sleeps at all. And maybe it's a little bit ungentlemanly to watch your best bro like this. Maybe it's a bit untoward to sit here studying his handsome face while he hasn't got the chance to notice or care or tell you to knock it off, already. 

Hard to feel guilty about it when this is the only chance he ever gets.

*

TG: obviously dirk is an insomniac what did u expect  
TG: the dude barely ever slept a wink his whole damn life  
TG: if he wasnt one hundred percent up and up for reals on this side he was damn sure gettin shit done on derse  
TG: from the stories hes told me that mostly entailed chasing my sleepy ass down  
TG: i always thought that was bullshit yknow  
TG: all those times i let myself get all sad n existential w loneliness or whatever and all i really had to do was wake my lazy dream ass up   
TG: coulda met him for real way before i did  
GT: Hmm.   
TG: derse privilege no prospits allowed   
TG: even if i squandered it  
GT: No not that.   
GT: I never understood the dream self thing completely to be honest. Mine was long gone before we even started that damn game up the first time.   
TG: right  
TG: rip in peace  
GT: Didnt really miss him much! Seeing as how i didnt really know he existed and all.   
GT: But if i could have had the chance to meet dirk early on and id missed it id be pretty annoyed with myself too.   
TG: mmmh yeah   
TG: i bet u would ;)  
GT: Hey now none of that winky business!  
TG: pff  
TG: jake u come to me u know what u get  
TG: (you get winks)  
TG: (;))  
GT: Can i at least get the winking with a solid side helping of some good advice?   
TG: im flattered   
TG: but also not sure what to say ;(  
GT: Damn.   
TG: all the ideas i got im sure u already have tried exhaustively  
GT: Oh? Well you never know! Lets hear them!  
TG: ... sigh  
GT: What? Come on now dont hold back!  
TG: jake  
TG: that was an innuendo  
TG: solid purestrain innuendo that just flew right over ur head  
GT: Oh shit.   
TG: hence the sigh  
GT: Well... its not that THAT doesnt work exactly its just...   
TG: ooooooo rly?  
GT: Its not quite the same as what im after.   
TG: guess it must feel like cheating sorta  
GT: Exactly!   
TG: tbh tho jakey i gotta say  
TG: u probably arent solving this without cheating at least a lil   
TG: good luck  
GT: Well thanks.   
GT: Seems like ill need a heaping lot of that to cut this knot. 

*

It's not as bad as it used to be. At the beginning of it all, back when they'd first become an item and were still caught up with navigating out all the treacherous terrain of physical intimacy, Dirk used to lay next to him flat on his back and still as a statue, breathing deep and even and not getting even a wink of actual sleep at all. So. Progress is progress, isn't that right?

Jake tosses aside another stack of scribbled notes. His writing is haphazard and disorganized, thoughts strung together with literal arrows on the page and a hefty number of near illegible addendums in the margins. They're a stark contrast to Dirk's ordered paragraphs and neat diagrams, but even those are starting to blur into illegible ink soup. He sits up straight and stretches, and the knots in his back give way with a few loud pops. Dirk murmurs something inaudible. Jake laughs quietly under his breath. 

He tries his best to climb in gently, but the second the bed creaks and starts to sink with his weight, Dirk's eyes snap open, regarding him with the sort of absolute clarity that confirms the "barely dozing" theory full on.

"You don't have to get up," Jake admonishes him, sliding across the length of the mattress between them. Dirk blinks at him. A little crease marks the skin between his eyebrows. Jake slides one arm over Dirk's chest, wiggling in close. It's too warm for blankets, but not so hot that he isn't up for a cuddle. Dirk pulls one arm out from under his head and brings it around, fingers light on his back. That's gratifying, at least. Time was once that he would have just gone tense and still, and it had taken Jake an embarrassing amount of time to realize it wasn't because he didn't want him close -- just the opposite. He'd been afraid the slightest movement would scare him off, or something. He could be an idiot that way. 

"What time is it?" Dirk asks, and Jake groans into his shoulder. He sounds wide awake, not a hint of groggy sleep voice to be found. 

"Why?" Jake mumbles against him. "You got somewhere to be? Made some late night arrangements, did you?" 

"What?" Dirk squints at him, and now his eyebrows are positively squished together. Jake pulls him tight against him, and Dirk makes a soft little grunting sound that's mostly surprise, but there's an undercurrent of fondness and maybe even enjoyment there that Jake decides to savor. "No. Just curious, man. I don't even remember laying down." he trails off, frowning. "I wasn't tired." 

"No, I don't suppose you were," Jake says, frowning into his shoulder. "You never really are." 

*

GG: Okay, I have an idea.   
GT: You do!  
GG: But you have to promise not to laugh.   
GT: No i wont laugh i swear!  
GT: Youre a real smart lady jane and if youve got any tips i absolutely have to hear them!  
GT: Whats your plan?  
GG: Have you tried... a really, really big meal?   
GG: Something really loaded up on carbs. Bread, potatoes, rice... oh, and turkey!  
GG: Gosh, did you ever have Thanksgiving? I don't suppose you did.   
GT: Hmm. No jane i cant say i ever did. At least not that i remember.   
GG: Well, it's absolute ironclad truth that a large supper makes for some extra sleepy customers.   
GG: Granted, I'm not sure how you'd get him to eat!  
GG: I'm not sure I've ever seen him actually finish a serving, let alone stuff himself.   
GT: Not to mention im probably not the most qualified to serve up some sort of ten course banquet besides.   
GT: And id never ask you i know thats a shit ton of effort thatd probably just be wasted anyway what with dirks picky friggin eating.  
GG: Well...  
GT: It was a good idea though.   
GG: But ultimately useless. :(  
GG: I'll keep thinking about it. It can't be good for him, running himself on and on how he does.   
GT: Thanks a million jane.   
GT: If anyone heres got a chance at hitting upon a brilliant solution its you.   
GG: Ha. Well, I'll try not to squander all this faith you have in me. :B  
GG: I'll let you know if I think of anything.   


*

They're all cozied up in their private little home theater room, surrounded by pillows, empty popcorn bowls and the ear-splitting sound of machine gun fire blasting from the speakers. More importantly, Dirk is leaning a little heavily against him, breathing deep and even. 

He drifts off during movies, sometimes. Or at least, he _seems_ to. Jake used to be annoyed by it -- sometimes he still is -- but after awhile it just started becoming a sort of opportunity, instead. He'd stop paying attention to the screen and start paying attention to the show beside him. Dirk's eyelids would flutter, chin drooping toward his chest. His arms would usually be crossed. He'd slump backward by inches, sometimes lean up all warm and soft against his shoulder the way he's doing right now. 

But of course, the second Jake ever moves to appreciate the sight in any way, it's over. He'll lift a hand to brush Dirk's hair back, to better admire the sight of him this way. He'll sometimes get so far as a quick dip down to steal a kiss, very rarely -- and then Dirk's eyes will snap open and he'll make this surprised sound, and sit up straight and shake him off and act like nothing was happening at all. 

Jake used to tease him all the time, calling him more machine than man. But sometimes it could really be something, the number of hours he'd go without stopping for more than a few brief, stolen seconds. 

Dirk shifts against him and he lets himself look. 

His eyes are closed, his features slack. There are honest to god explosions happening in glorious full surround sound all around them, and here's Dirk, exhaling softly and dozing against his shoulder. It's the damndest thing.

Jake can't help himself; he's only human. He wraps an arm around the small of Dirk's back and pulls him in fast, before Dirk can realize what's happening. Dirk's eyes snap open, predictably. He tries to pull away, but Jake has the upper hand. 

"If you're tired, you should sleep," he says. Makes it an offer, really, tugging him into his lap. 

Dirk resists for another second before giving up, grumbling probably a bunch of unflattering nonsense under his breath. But he settles down, stiffly, and lays with his head in Jake's lap for the rest of the movie. 

But he doesn't fall back asleep. He doesn't so much as relax, not for a single second. 

*

GG: have you tried a massage??   
GT: A what!  
GG: A massage! you know, like a good old fashioned back rub   
GG: you could light some candles even  
GG: oh!  
GG: you should ask rose she probably has all kinds of incense and oils and stuff you could try  
GG: i hate that stuff but it might work on dirk!  
GT: Wait you hate it? Why so?   
GG: gosh its just so strong!! it makes my nose itch i cant stand it  
GT: Its those damn fine canine sense youve got no doubt.   
GG: probably :P  
GG: anyway try that!  
GG: incense and candles and a nice warm bath and a good long massage  
GT: Wait wait wait now hold the phone.   
GT: This is the first ive heard about any baths!  
GG: i guess its not NECESSARY  
GG: but it might help  
GT: I highly doubt i could get that man to agree to a bath.   
GT: Hes just so enamoured of his god damn showers.   
GG: well thats the best ive got???   
GT: Ill think about it at least.   
GT: Thanks a million jade youve been a real help.   
GG: youre welcome! and good luck!!!  


*

He's slung half over Dirk in the middle of the bed they've been sharing for months now, with his fingers crawled halfway up under his flimsy pajama top, and he can just feel the tension strung all through him. His muscles are practically twitching with it. "You know," Jake blurts out before he can think better of it. "I wish you'd let yourself relax every once in a damn blue moon, Strider." Really, he just wants some of this nonsense to wind out of his boyfriend so he can stop feeling like touching Dirk this way is making him uncomfortable.

Dirk shifts beside him and makes an incredulous sound. "I'm relaxed right now," he says, sounding vaguely affronted, and Jake can't help it even one little bit. He laughs. Dirk sits up, and Jake sits up with him, and something about the offended look on Dirk's face just makes it even funnier. It takes some real effort to stop himself laughing. He bites the inside of his cheek, swallowing it down. Dirk is kind of glaring at him. "What the fuck is so funny?" he demands, smoothing his fingers nervously over his shirt, waiting impatiently for Jake to be back in a state he might be able to respond from. 

"Just, look at you! You're all done up tight as a drum, trying to tell me about how _relaxed_ you are. Forgive me, please, but I wasn't born yesterday. That mind of yours is already ticking, counting down the seconds until I conk out and you can be free to get up and go about your business. And -- look, no, don't say a thing! Let me guess! Now on top of that, you're thinking I'm upset at you and you're really working overtime up there, chugging away with the old brain gears on how you can fix it. Well, I'm not and you can't, because nothing needs fixing, I just think it's funny!" _And sometimes a little frustrating,_ he adds, silently, because that's the last thing Dirk needs to actually hear. 

"All right, but it sounds like you think I'm eager to be rid of your company? And I want you to know, man, that's not at all true." 

"I don't mean that." He thinks. "Well, not like _that._ " 

Dirk says nothing to that, just makes a little worried _hmm_ noise. How to explain? 

"I just mean, you're always..." Jake flutters his hands out, waggling his fingers like he can magic up a suitable way to word his feelings. "If everyone's got their own dial from one to ten, you're always pointed squarely somewhere around eleven." He sounds -- heck, he _feels_ \-- a little sheepish. Dirk is giving him one of his best impassive looks, inscrutable even without the shades. "Sometimes it's exhausting just to look at you, and I _don't_ mean that how it sounds, fuck, I didn't realize that was going sound like that until it was already out! I just mean, I wish I could just show you how damn _nice_ it can be to just..." he waves again, and ends with a helpless shrug. 

"All right," Dirk says. His tone is impossible to sort out. 

"Don't you get all up in a lather, now," Jake says. 

"I'm not upset." 

Jake opens his mouth to counter that, but instead his jaw cracks into a powerful yawn all of its own accord, and he's honestly tired, he can't possibly banter with Dirk in this state. "One day I'll get you out of that head of yours," he mutters, flopping back down against the pillows. "Then you'll just see, Strider." 

Dirk laughs at this, low and soft and maybe even a tiny bit genuine, hard to say. "Looking forward to it, bro," he says, and he might be teasing or he might be serious and just making it sound like he's teasing so Jake won't know how serious he is. Jake sighs. 

"Good _night_ , Dirk," he says, in his best fond-but-exasperated voice. Dirk grunts at him again, and the bedsprings squeak as he rolls off the bed to do who knows what. 

A little pang goes through him. Damn it. 

*

TT: Candles and incense.  
TT: You know, I'm not sure how to feel.   
TT: My father's own paramour asking me to help supply the tools necessary to achieve the ambiance most likely to set the mood. Highly scandalous.   
GT: Oh jeez!  
GT: ITS NOT REMOTELY LIKE THAT!  
GT: Nevermind this was a mistake.   
TT: I'm not saying that I don't have any ideas.  
GT: No absolutely not were not doing this i could never go through with it now!  
TT: Well.   
TT: I'll be here if you change your mind.   
GT: I highly doubt that!!!   


* 

They're working on opposite ends of the workshop, and Jake keeps stealing glances backward. He isn't sure if Dirk notices. They've been at it all day, barely talking -- not in a bad way, just in a busy way -- mostly just "pass the wrench" and "where's the nail gun" and "can you hold this while I drill this tricky bastard in?" It's fine. It's comfortable. He likes being able to while away the occasional day like this together without feeling obligated to interact or entertain. 

It's just, the sun is setting and Jake is thinking. Maybe a little too much. 

It was a hot day, and it's stuffy inside. His own muscles are sore, so Dirk _has_ to be feeling something, too. It'd be a great time to try out some of the advice he's gotten, but every time he takes a breath to launch some silly, sappy idea or another, he gets an inexplicable attack of the nervous nancies and snaps his mouth right shut again. 

He glances back. Dirk is stretching, arms overhead, tilting his head from side to side to work out the stiffness in his neck and shoulders. Jake knows the feeling. He sucks in a breath. 

"Hey, Dirk," he says. 

Something in his tone gets his attention, because Dirk turns right around mid-stretch, drops his arms, and asks warily, "What?" 

Shit. He thinks it's something bad. One of _those_ talks. And it isn't remotely!

Jake tries one of his winsome smiles. Dirk's eyebrows climb right over his stupid shades, arching curiously. Jake clears his throat. "I was wondering, you know -- how would you like, maybe, say, I dunno..." 

Oh, god. This is _appallingly_ idiotic. 

"...Jake?" He sounds a little worried, but also, a little intrigued, and that more than anything is what spurs him on. 

"How would you like a nice bath," he blurts out, and he can feel his ears crisping right up, redder by the second. Dirk frowns at him. His eyebrows squish down in a universal sign of abject disapproval. 

" _What?_ " he repeats, except this time incredulously, and Jake turns back around because his face is turning as red as his ears are and it's god damn embarrassing. He wipes his hands on his work apron and notes the streaks of oil he leaves behind. Right. What the fuck was he thinking? This isn't a good time at all. 

"Nothing," he says, talking fast. "Forget I said that. God, that was stupid. I know you like your showers after a good day's work. Never mind me --" 

"Wait, hold on. You're, uh. Wait. You're suggesting we...?" And it's this, his vaguely hopeful tone, that convinces Jake to chance a glance back around. His face is still altogether too hot. 

"I thought, maybe a hot bath could be... relaxing," he says. "And maybe after I could try my hands at working all those kinks out of those damn fine muscles of yours?" He holds up his hands, which are still filthy, and wiggles his fingers. "I'd wash them off first, promise." 

It is so fucking hard to read Dirk's face. It's _maddening._ Jake fidgets nervously in place. 

"Can I ask why?" Dirk asks, finally. This time, Jake can't place his tone at all. He's keeping it purposely even in that way he does when he doesn't want anyone to know what he's thinking or feeling or any of it. 

"Well, Jesus Christmas, Dirk, do you have to really?" Jake relocates his hands to his hips. Dirk kind of flinches back. "It's obvious, isn't it? You've been working all day in here, it's about to get dark, and instead of lighting the lamps and going on until our immortal flesh gives out I thought we could call it here and you could let me spend the night seeing if I can take advantage of how worn out you must be, for once! I thought maybe I could get you all loose and limber with a hot bath and a nice massage, and maybe if I was really lucky, I could get to see you actually comfortable and relaxed and hell, dare I say, genuinely embarking on a good night's rest?" 

Dirk's face doesn't change at all while Jake lets all of this spill out of him. He just takes a step back and sets his tools calmly aside, face impassive as ever. Jake is almost ready to let himself get good and annoyed at him, except when he's done, he takes a deep breath and his voice actually goes a little unsteady when he speaks. 

"That sounds nice," he says. "I mean -- if you -- if that's still on the table, or ..." 

And... god’s mercy, he actually sounds _flustered._

Jake grins. 

"Hell yes, it's on the table," he says. "You bet. In fact, I outright fucking insist, how's that?" 

Dirk opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. It is enormously satisfying when he simply elects to nod, instead. It's a nice feeling, stunning him speechless, and Jake privately vows to make it happen much, much more often. 

*

TG: ive heard a legend about something that might help with this  
GT: Wait really? A LEGEND?  
TG: tales told in whispers in the dankest corners of the old earth internet  
GT: Youre not having me on are you?   
TG: of course not  
TG: god jake rude much  
TG: having you on like i would ever  
TG: theres just one problem  
GT: Whats that?   
TG: this mythical herb is pretty hard to get ahold of  
TG: real elusive  
GT: Most legends are like that!  
GT: Otherwise they wouldnt be legends obviously.   
GT: Well tell me what you know come on! An herb is it? Like some kind of magic sleeping sort of thing? Hmm.   
TG: absolutely exactly that  
TG: they say that you can only find it on the twentieth day of the fourth month  
TG: and even then only by the light of a full moon  
TG: it only happens like once every four hundred and twenty years or so  
GT: Wow really???   
TG: yeah man totally  
TG: and thats by old earth standards of measurement so i have no idea how youd even translate that to whatever the fuck were doing now  
TG: but im sure if anyone can do it you can  
GT: Im not sure. It sounds kind of fishy. Are you sure you arent having me on???   
TG: ok you know what thats it  
TG: now youve insulted me  
TG: thats all youre getting from me  
TG: good luck solving the mystery of the weed moon now jake next time try to be less of a douche  
GT: Wait is that what its called?   
GT: Strider get back here!  
GT: Damn it!  
GT: Im sick to death of you and your entire clans fickle whimsy and unpredictable temperament!!!   
GT: DAVE DAMN IT  
GT: Tell me about the friggin weed moon!!  
GT: Aughhhh!!!  


* 

Dirk actually seems disappointed that Jake isn't planning on joining him directly. Not that it isn't _tempting_ , because it absolutely is, but Jake got this idea from Jade and the thought of turning it into something sexy this early on feels like betraying the spirit of her advice. Dirk actually almost pouts a little as Jake shuts the door behind him, explaining that he'll be back in in just a minute with a wink. But not a sexy wink. Was it? Shit. 

No time to think about it. He beelines downstairs for the guest shower. He's got to get some of the day's grime off himself or a freshly showered -- bathed, whatever -- Dirk will never let him touch him, flustered intrigue or no. He runs the water as cold as he can stand it for a good number of reasons, and by the time he hops out again his teeth are chattering. He towels off and checks the mirror for any obvious oversights, finds none, and slaps on a set of comfy jimjams. Time to get moving. He can't have been more than ten minutes. 

He knocks before he goes in. No answer, but he goes in anyway. 

For all that the tub hardly ever gets used like this, the thing is big. Wide and deep with plenty of space for two, if he really did want to just say fuck it and climb in. God, it's tempting. There's steam rising off the top, and Dirk is basically fully submerged in the soapy water. A thin stream of bubbles rises to the surface. Jake pulls up the stool from the vanity and just... grins at this, inexplicably delighted. How long has he been under? It would be just like Dirk to take a thing like "relaxing bathtime" and turn it into, what, deep sea diving breathing exercises? 

Eventually, Dirk emerges, sitting abruptly up and sucking in a deep breath the moment he's able. Jake takes a moment to appreciate him. He looks so damn different with his hair down.

"Should I have been timing that?" Jake teases, and Dirk actually jumps. His eyes fly open and he swivels around to look at him, soap bubbles clinging to his hair. Jake smirks at him. "Sorry, but I missed the start of it. The count would have been all off anyhow." 

"Very funny," Dirk says, but he offers no explanation. His shoulders hunch. He's embarrassed, then. "I didn't think you'd actually be coming back in." 

"I said I would, and you're supposed to let _me_ wash your hair," Jake says. Dirk coughs. His gaze slides off and his eyes focus elsewhere. He sinks a little further into the water. "Scrub your back and all that, too. Oh, shit!" He stands up, abruptly. Dirk blinks at him.

"Oh shit what?" 

"There were supposed to be candles! Damn it, I knew I forgot something." 

"You don't need any _candles,_ " Dirk insists, his voice pitched just a little too high, and Jake peers at him. 

"Well," he says, changing tack. He lowers his voice, absolutely on purpose. "I could get used to this." 

"To... what?" 

"To you being hopelessly flustered by how dashing and thoughtful I am," Jake responds, smirking, and Dirk coughs again, only this one sounds suspiciously like it's poorly masking a laugh. "Now sit up, because I'm going to wash your hair for you whether you like it or not." 

"God," Dirk mutters. "Listen, I get what you're going for, here, but..." 

Jake drags the stool over to the head of the tub and arches an eyebrow. Dirk seems to realize he’s hopelessly outmatched at last, and just kind of trails off and sinks back down into the water. Good. 

The stuff Dirk uses smells nicer in his hair than it does straight out of the bottle, but it's still a hell of a lot better than the stale sweat and oil and the metallic tang hanging heavy in the air of the workshop in summer. And what's even nicer is the way Dirk's hair feels, long and soft around his fingers as he works the grit of the day and whatever products Dirk slathers it with back out again. Dirk is sunk so far down now that his nose is barely above level, and Jake thinks he might be blushing, but it's hard to tell what's a blush and what's just from the steamy heat of the bath. 

Jake lets his fingertips run gentle patterns over his scalp, humming quietly to himself. Dirk shifts just slightly, tilting his head back just a fraction, but Jake takes it for encouragement and chuckles softly. This is nice. He isn't sure how relaxed Dirk is -- probably not very -- but it feels nice and intimate and just... pleasant, in a way they don't often experience together. Not that he has all that many complaints. It's been good. Still a little awkward in places, and not without its bumps in the road, but they're learning? Learning how to read each other, but almost more importantly, learning what they want themselves. It's communicating those things that's the hardest part, but they're even getting better with that, too. 

"What's the song?" Dirk asks, and Jake startles, his fingers stilling in his soapy hair. 

"Oh." He thinks about it. "Something my grandma used to sing, I think." 

"Oh," Dirk says, softly. "Uh. It's nice. I like it." 

"Thanks, chum," Jake laughs, but the moment feels like it was suspended in a long-burst bubble of its own, and now it’s gone and hardly coming back. 

"You know, that stuff is only supposed to be in for like, sixty seconds," Dirk says, and Jake knows he feels it, too. He nods. He ruffles Dirk's hair just to be an ass, then pulls his hands away and wipes them on his shorts. Whatever. 

"I'm supposed to scrub your back, too," Jake teases. 

"I think I can handle it," Dirk mumbles, and Jake nods. "But, uh. If you're still up for the other thing..." 

"The massage?" Jake wiggles his fingers at him. Dirk scoffs, but his pretty freckled cheeks are still a telltale shade of pink. "Sure thing." 

*

  
CG: HE TOLD YOU WHAT.   
GT: Dont keep me in suspense man!! Just tell me has he ever divulged any information to you about the weed moon?   
CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.   
GT: Well???   
CG: LISTEN, FORGET ABOUT THAT.   
GT: Oh so thats how its going to be is it. He HAS told you something and youre just going to keep it all to your own greedy selfish self!  
CG: NO, IT'S JUST  
CG: GOD DAMN IT  
CG: NEVER MIND  
CG: IF YOUR IDIOT BOYFRIEND CAN'T SLEEP I FIND WHAT WORKS BEST AND IS OFTEN MORE THAN JUSTIFIED WHEN IT COMES TO STRIDERS IN PARTICULAR IS JUST HITTING HIM REPEATEDLY UNTIL HE STOPS BEING CONSCIOUS.  
GT: Haha! Thats the most troll like solution ive ever heard.   
GT: Sadly thats not the sort of unconsciousness im looking for. But thanks.   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK, ENGLISH?  
CG: THAT WAS OBVIOUSLY A JOKE.  
GT: Oh. Right of course. My apologies.  
CG: LISTEN  
CG: IF YOU'RE REALLY ALL BUGWINGED ABOUT THIS, WHY DON'T YOU JUST TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT?   
CG: THERE'S USUALLY A REASON SOMEONE CAN'T SLEEP. AND IF THERE ISN'T AND HE JUST ACTUALLY IS AN INEXPLICABLE INSOMNIAC, YOU CAN DECIDE WHAT TO DO ABOUT THAT TOGETHER. MAYBE GET HIS INPUT ON WHAT HE'D LIKE TO TRY BEFORE YOU GO LOADING UP ON HUMAN SOPORIFICS.   
GT: I just dont think hed take it very seriously. He never has before.   
CG: MAYBE HE'LL TAKE IT MORE SERIOUSLY IF YOU TELL HIM YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT IT.   
GT: You think so?   
GT: Well its not the worst idea ive heard i suppose.   
CG: I GUARANTEE YOU IT IS A BILLION TIMES BETTER THAN CHASING AFTER THE FUCKING "WEED MOON." GOD. I HATE HIM SO MUCH  
GT: Dont i just know it!  
CG: NO, SHUT UP.  
CG: SHUT UP AND JUST GO DEAL WITH YOUR OWN STRIDERIAN BULLSHIT.   
CG: AND GOOD LUCK I GUESS.  
GT: Thanks chap. Means a lot coming from you.   
CG: YEAH.   
CG: WAIT, NO?!  
CG: FUCK YOU, I'M A CONSTANT FOUNTAIN OF WELL WISHES AND EXCELLENT ADVICE!  


* 

Dirk comes out of the bathroom wearing a towel and nothing else, and it basically saps all of Jake's deepest reserves of self restraint not to jump his bones right there and then. Especially since he has this look on his face that's part sheepish and part... something Jake doesn't have the word for, but it makes his heart kickstart into action like he's just finished running a marathon race. Jake pats the space on the bed next to him, and Dirk walks obediently over, gaze flickering from the indicated space to Jake's face and back again in rapid rhythm. 

"What, no special massage therapy table?" Dirk teases him. Jake snorts. 

"I wouldn't even begin to know how to alchemize that," he says, gesturing for Dirk to come closer, turn around. Dirk does so, laying on his stomach, resting his chin on his folded arms. "My luck we'd end up with a kitchen counter plonked plumb in the middle of our bedroom." 

Dirk laughs. Jake starts with his shoulders, but Dirk is right -- the bed is an awkward place to do this. He has to bend over just enough to be uncomfortable to get even pressure on either side of him. He works his thumbs into the knots of tension he finds there -- and boy, there are plenty -- pressing in and squeezing, moving in slow, methodical circles. He focuses on the places that elicit vocal reaction. There's a surprising number of those, too. Most of the time, Dirk just grunts acknowledgement or maybe approval, but sometimes he says "Yeah," softly, almost under his breath, and that's when he knows he's found a really good spot. 

Eventually the sullen protests of his own spine at the awkward angle become too much to ignore, and he sits up and mutters "fuck it" to himself. Dirk lifts his head, and his eyes actually _do_ look a little unfocused -- it's startling, and more than that, it's bolstering. Jake winks at him, and Dirk ducks his head again, closing his eyes. "Just adjusting a bit," he says, and then he crawls onto the bed and over Dirk, swinging one leg over so his knees are on either side of him. Dirk lifts his head, but he doesn't look back. 

"Kind of compromising," he says. 

"Absolutely right. If this were an official sort of shop type deal, they'd have to let me go for getting fresh with the customers." He is very keenly aware that there is nothing but a pair of pajama shorts and a towel between them, thank you.

Dirk lets out a muffled laugh into his folded arms. Jake gets back to work, pressing his thumbs and rolling his knuckles further down Dirk's exposed back. 

It isn't shocking, really, how nice this is. What's shocking about it is that it seems to be _working._ Dirk's breathing is slow and even, his body is as pliant and relaxed as Jake has ever seen, and the whole scene is just... pleasantly intimate. 

He bites his lip, running his fingers down the bumpy ridge of Dirk's spine, and wills his racing thoughts to fuck off and his body to just behave a little longer. 

*

UU: hello, lovely!  
UU: i absolUtely did not mean to eavesdrop, or to overhear any compromising information yoU didn't wish to share, bUt roxy is sometimes not so circUmspect. :u  
UU: by which i mean i've heard some of yoUr dilemma throUgh the good old rUmoUr mill.   
GT: Oh bollocks.   
GT: Well you know what no i dont really mind.   
GT: Ive just about blabbed bits and pieces of it all out to just about everyone so i dont know why i should be surprised that people are coming to me about it now instead of the opposite.   
GT: Its not that i dont have any ideas.   
GT: Or even that its such a big deal!   
GT: I feel kind of silly actually.   
UU: there is trUly no need to feel silly!  
UU: i think its very sweet of yoU to be so concerned.  
UU: and thoUgh i know some of the solUtions that have been proposed thUs far, it sUrprised me to learn that no one thoUght to sUggest the one which seems most obvioUs to me.   
GT: And which one is that now?  
GT: I have to say callie you have me intrigued.   
UU: simply that, as a fUlly realized page of hope, yoU have access to the ability to solve yoUr problems throUgh the application of pUre conviction.   
UU: a resoUrce which i am sUre yoU have in ample sUpply!  
UU: yoU have merely to assert yoUr will Upon this Universe in the form of trUe belief to achieve any goal yoU coUld possibly think of. trUly yoUr potential is something inspiring to think on.   
GT: Oh.   
GT: Well I guess i did know most of that.   
GT: In a theoretical sort of fashion.   
GT: Doesnt it seem a little brutish to try something like enforcing raw will onto dirk to make him loosen up a little though?   
GT: It feels a little skeevy to me when i think about it.   
UU: does it? i'm sorry. i didn't consider this angle beyond the simple acknowledgement of the rights granted to yoU implicitly by a higher power. u_u  
UU: perhaps it is something yoU shoUld consider together before yoU choose to pUrsUe or disregard the idea entirely?  
GT: Ive never actually tried to use these batshit abilities i apparently have before. I mean consciously.   
GT: Im not sure if i even really like the idea of being so powerful.   
GT: And its very strange to think about this especially in this particular context i have to say!  
UU: i Understand. it can be hUmbling to know the extent of the trUst placed in yoU. and intimidating, absolUtely. i've felt that same pressUre, after a fashion.  
UU: bUt i think a smaller issUe in the scheme of things is perfect to begin exploring what yoU are trUly capable of, don't yoU? ^u^  
GT: Well i dunno.   
UU: it is only a sUggestion.   
UU: i sUspect the Universe has fUrther need of Us, bUt lUckily, we have plenty of time Until then.   
UU: still, eventUally, i think we will all need to finish walking the paths laid oUt for Us.   
GT: I have to wonder how you can be so calm in the face of a statement like that. Youre like one of those legendary oracles or something when you get like this i have to say!  
UU: i have had qUite a long while to think aboUt it, and sort throUgh my feelings!  
UU: bUt i'm no oracle. just a mUse. :u  
UU: a mUse with mUch to learn even with sUch an advantage, time-wise. space players are notorioUs for their mismanagement of sUch things, so i am not exactly sUrprised.   
UU: still i hope that my words will provide some inspiration to yoU. i think that one day yoU will know exactly what yoU want, and i woUld feel awfUl if i hadn't done my best to ensUre yoU Understood the best tools yoU have available to achieve it.   
GT: I dont know what to say. Your too kind by far as usual.   
UU: ^u^  
UU: i won't take Up any more of yoUr time. bUt let roxy know how everything tUrns out, will yoU? she's terribly cUrioUs.   
GT: Hah ill just bet she is.   
GT: Well see about that. Im making no promises!!!   
UU: Understood.   


* 

"I was thinking about something else, actually," Jake says, and his face is heating up as he considers the words he'll use to put this particular idea out there. Dirk murmurs something noncommittally into his arms. He hasn't moved on his own in a good half hour. Jake's thumbs are starting to protest a bit, but it's nothing he can't handle. "I think I'd like to see you... like this, more. But not just like this. Like this, but moreso." 

Another mumbled, incoherent reply. Jake's heart is pounding nervously. He has no idea how this even works. Does he just _believe_ that Dirk feels safe with him? That he trusts him? That he _wants_ to let go of all that pent up tension and fear and insecurity and just Jake take _care_ of him, for once? If he does, is he taking the choice to do all of that eventually away from Dirk, even if he doesn't know it? Is he really that selfish? Is he really that _powerful?_

He shakes his head. Overthinking things is Dirk's specialty, not his. 

He highly doubts that Callie had any of this in mind when she was trying her best to be so damn inspirational. He swallows a laugh. 

"Jake?" This time, Dirk's speech is clear. He's lifted his head slightly, and Jake realizes his hands have stopped. His fingers are just resting on the sharp edges of Dirk's shoulderblades. His brow is furrowed, and his _want_ is strong enough it's fit to smother him. But wanting something isn't the same as believing in it, not by far.

"I want you to trust me," he says, softly. Dirk drops his head back down with a little huff. 

"I do," he says, but he can't possibly understand. If he knew the things Jake was thinking, right now... 

"I mean, I want you to let me ... god, I want so many things. How do I even explain it all?" 

"You could try using words," Dirk suggests, and though he still sounds remarkably languid the smirk in the comment is unmistakable. Jake laughs. He leans forward, draping himself over Dirk, pressing his chest to his back, supporting his weight in part on his elbows, which are pressed into the mattress on either side of Dirk. Dirk murmurs something, shifting beneath him. 

"You're one to get snooty at me about _that,_ " he says, speaking directly into Dirk's ear. Dirk shrugs, the movement so subtle it's barely a shiver. "I feel like you're always holding back with me," Jake continues, finally, and Dirk goes very still. "That you're afraid to let yourself just _be_ , because you think whatever that is, whoever that is down in the very center of Dirk Strider is someone that I don't want to see, or know, or spend the rest of my holy frigging immortal life with. And I just want you to know that that's a bunch of bum hogwash. It's -- just fucking bullshit, Dirk, you know?" 

Dirk hasn't breathed since he started speaking, so he stops for a second to let them both catch their breath. He snakes one arm under Dirk, holding him tight, and presses a silly little kiss right under his earlobe. Dirk breathes, again, and it sounds very ragged. "The thing is, I _have_ seen that guy. Just in little glimpses here and there, that's true, but those little glimpses are some of my best memories with you, and that's god's honest truth. Do you know you can make a guy feel like a million bucks just by _smiling?_ I always think to myself, yeah, I fucking did that. I cracked you open, just a little bit. But I'm greedy, Strider. I always want more, that's the thing. I've been asking advice from people, and you're going to hate this but you'll hear about it eventually so you may as well know, but I've been telling them a big fat lie. Saying I think you've been having trouble sleeping, when what I think is really going on is that you've just been having trouble _being_ here. Being, I dunno, comfortable? With me or us or this arrangement in general. The not sleeping thing is just a part of that, isn't it?" 

Dirk sucks in a breath like he's going to cut in, but Jake shushes him, literally, whispering _shush_ into his ear. "I want you to be comfortable with me, damn it. I want _us_ to be... just, I want..." Jake stops, swallows. "And it’s not so bad that I couldn’t pretend it’s better than it is. Or even -- I could make it that way, I think, but it wouldn't be _real._ I want it to be real, Dirk. I want to believe it because it's fucking real, not have it _be_ real because I hoped too hard for some impossible flight of fancy!" 

And that's the crux of it all, isn't it? That's what makes his potential so terrifying. He promised himself that he was done living in some fantasy land where the world was exactly what he wanted it to be. He told himself that he was going to start paying attention to what other people really wanted, to what _he_ really wanted, deep down, only to find that he had powers that could blur the lines between those things like nothing else. 

The thought that he could use those powers on _Dirk_... 

"Jake," Dirk says, and he's moving like he wants to flip over but Jake won't let him, partially because he's afraid to see his reaction to all this bullshit, but also, he thinks he might be choking up? Dirk doesn't need to see that. Which is funny, because that's the exact sort of nonsense he'd be pissy at Dirk about if he thought it. What a double standard, English! 

Dirk makes a few more half hearted attempts to move, seems to figure out that Jake isn't having any of it, and eventually stills, breathing quietly. Jake takes a few extra minutes to regain his own composure before he sits up, scrubbing furiously at his face. Christ. What the fuck is wrong with him? 

"Sorry about that," he says, and he sounds a little more like himself. He lets Dirk turn over, and it's funny, really. In a way it is just so pathetically funny, here he's spent all this time trying to make tonight about _Dirk_ \-- he's laying here in nothing but a fluffy fucking towel all at his behest, for god’s sake. "I had a talk with Callie, and she made me think about a few things."

"Hey." Dirk hardly ever makes eye contact without the comfortable weight of his shades between them, but he's doing it now. Jake honestly loves his eyes. They deserve better than to be hidden all the damn time, really. "First. Callie can say whatever she wants, but whatever your powers are, they won't work like that on _me._ " Jake sees him wince. "We’ve established this. I can't ever be anything but myself. I'm my own ball and chain, all right? What that self is, okay, that's ... complicated, sure. And you _have_ changed it -- for the better -- but not because of some magic hope bullshit, all right?" 

It makes so much sense when he says it. Jake nods, and he actually feels lighter. For a lot of reasons, actually. "And... second?" he prompts. Dirk looks away, exhaling slowly. 

"I never meant to, I don't know. Push you out? Make you think this wasn't something... genuine? It's real to me. It's, uh, kind of the thing that's _most_ real, for me. Being here with you. I don't mean to hold back. I just... do. I'm not used to having anyone to let loose with? Or for. Or anything. I mean, think about it. Who are you smiling for, on a high rise in the middle of the apocalypse? Who would you be crying for, exactly? Laughing, singing, dramatically rolling your eyes, that's a good one, runs in the family. Who's watching any of that? The fucking robots?" He grimaces. "You think they care? They don't even know what they're looking at." 

"Dirk." Jake can feel how wide his eyes are. 

"I'm not saying I never did any of those things. Just that, with no one watching, or knowing, or caring, or _existing_ , you just... sort of stop. And it's a little fucking difficult to adjust to --" He stops and shakes his head, almost violently. "No. Stop, forget that. That's not what I mean. It's actually the best thing I can imagine, having you here, being with you, having Roxy and Jane and Dave and Rose and fucking god damn everyone be here with me for real, it's ... I don't want anyone to doubt that for a second. It's just also... a lot?" He takes another breath, like he's going to expound on that point, and then just shakes his head again, instead. "And I love it. I do. But god, it is a _lot._ I thank gods that apparently don't exist every god damn day that Roxy had her carapacians, man. I don't know how _you_ turned out so..." he makes an unfathomable gesture, up and down in Jake’s general direction. "It's not like you weren't alone, too." 

_By pretending to be the hotshot star of my own feature film._ Jake swallows, heavily. _By imagining an audience out there cheering for the big damn hero every second of every day._ He feels a little like he wants to cry again, and he isn't sure why. Dirk covers his face with his hands, breathing out noisily over his palms, through his fingers. "Anyway," Dirk says. "Sorry for just unloading all that on you. I probably sound real fucking melodramatic, whining about something you were obviously coping with better than I ever --" 

He grabs Dirk's hands, pulls them out the way, and kisses him, hard. Dirk makes a surprised little sound against his lips, but he goes pliant and willing beneath him, his mouth opening easily for his tongue. Words, Jake thinks a little fiercely, are absolutely _not_ the only way to communicate, and he intends to prove that here and now. 

* 

He wakes up in the dark, dreams fading fast in favor of remembering the recent past, and in the pitch black moments between opening his eyes and their eventual adjusting he focuses on the feel of it, instead.

Dirk is sleeping. _Actually_ sleeping, now. He has one hand up the back of Jake's shirt, and Jake's cheek is pressed into Dirk's bare chest, feeling it rise and fall in rhythm beneath him. One of Jake's hands is slid into Dirk's hair from the back, the other sprawled out across the bed, and he has one knee nestled between Dirk's legs, pressed up into the hot bundle there. His shorts are long gone, but his boxers are just kind of tugged down halfway over his hips, and it's gratifying that he's still got some of his clothes on and Dirk absolutely, one hundred percent does not. He presses himself against Dirk's thigh, replaying the events that got them here with a little grin and a heaping helping of full on satisfaction. 

The room distinguishes itself around him, darkness separating into grey scale shadows, and he fumbles his free hand around for his glasses and finds them dangling dangerously close to the side of the bed. He lifts himself up and slides them on. Dirk murmurs softly. His hand slides down Jake's back and falls limp to one side, but he doesn't stir beyond that. 

He still thinks it’s cheating, getting him like this in this exact way. 

Well, so fucking what. 

He just watches for awhile. When he finally reaches over to brush his fingertips light over Dirk's forehead, he half expects him to jolt up immediately, grimacing at him with eyes full of reproach. But he doesn't. He doesn't even move. Jake brushes Dirk's hair back, indulging himself a little, sliding his fingers through its length. It's warm in the room, here, and there's a faint sheen of sweat at his hairline. The back of his neck. The places where they're pressed together, skin to skin. Jake leans in and kisses him, softly, barely more than a peck really, and holds his breath. 

But he doesn't move. 

He should probably be ashamed of how much he likes this, but he isn't, not one little bit. He decides to press his luck, shifting his whole body up, getting to his knees to lean over Dirk. He reaches up and uses both hands to cradle his stupid fucking handsome face, brushing his thumbs over his ridiculous sharp freckle-spattered cheekbones, and leans in to kiss him again, wondering how much he can get away with. What Dirk would say or do if he woke up to this treatment. He closes his eyes and lets his lips linger, parting them slightly and leaving Dirk's mouth wet with his illicit ministrations. 

He pulls away. Narrows his eyes. Has Dirk's breathing gone a little shallower? Is he just _pretending_ to be asleep? 

Or is some part of him reacting to the things Jake is doing on pure hindbrain instinct? 

"Strider," he whispers, testing the sound. Dirk says and does nothing in response. "God," Jake sighs, punctuating the observation with a rueful chuckle, "I'm the worst sort of cad, aren't I? Cheating or no, I’ve finally got you here sleeping like the frigging dead, and instead of just letting you be, I’ve just got to..." 

He presses another kiss onto the side of Dirk's face, this time, right where his nice smelling, freshly washed but still kind of sweat-damp hair curls up around his ears. "I don't think you could possibly understand how much I appreciate you like this. Christ. You've always been a distracting fella, Dirk, but do you know what it does to a guy, knowing he might be the only one that gets to see you like this? Maybe ever?" He tucks his face into the space between Dirk's chin and shoulder. 

No response, of course. He contemplates just leaving it at that. It's the gentlemanly thing to do. But he's playing back the events of the evening on a loop in his mind's eye, and he's got him all tuckered out and pliant and delightfully disrobed underneath him, and he feels like they had a _moment_ back there, a real connection, a real fucking touchstone of an experience and he wants to recapture a little bit of that, maybe. 

Or maybe he's just a weirdo who gets real hot and bothered by the thought of his perpetually wound up clockwork soldier of a boyfriend laying back and accepting whatever he wants to offer without caution or comment. Whatever. 

He thinks about what he wants to do, and his cheeks go all blotchy and hot while his mind jumps eagerly to work, full throttle. He thinks about what Dirk said. What Callie said, even, though he doubts she had anything like _this_ in mind. He grins. He turns his face and presses his lips into the sweat-salty crease under Dirk's jaw, kissing a line along its natural curve. Halfway down he can feel Dirk's pulse going, and it's not at all the slow beat of someone who is actually asleep. Busted, mister. 

And if Dirk can play around with this, then so can he. It's not about what he _wants_ , he reminds himself. It's about what he believes. 

Well, here's what he _believes_ , then. 

He believes that Dirk is just faking this shit, laying there all soft and quiet and playing pretend, just so he can see what Jake might do, next. He believes that Dirk will continue to do just that, no matter what Jake gets up to, being so damn curious and all. And such a good faker! He believes with all his heart and mind and soul that Dirk Strider wants so bad to see just how far Jake will go that he'll maintain this illusion as long as he's physically able. 

He absolutely believes that Dirk knows that _he_ knows and this is all just a game of loops stacked on loops. 

"Don't you move a muscle," he whispers. He runs his fingers over one of Dirk's bare shoulders, traces the shape of his sharp bones down toward the center of his chest. "One slip and I'll stop, and we don't want that at all, do we?" 

And Dirk just breathes. His eyelids flutter, but that could be dreaming. It's not, but it _could_ be, so he allows it. 

"I've been thinking about what you said," Jake says, running his thumbs down over Dirk's chest. He's got freckles here too, a whole host of them, and Jake's always liked them. Liked the way they run up over his shoulders and down his back, liked the way they taper off the further down he goes. He flicks a thumb over one nipple, and is genuinely impressed when Dirk doesn't so much as twitch. He circles it absently, liking the way it stiffens up for him, hardening under his fingertips. This sort of thing usually gets Dirk squirming real good if the kissing hasn’t done it already. "About growing up alone, and all that. It's true that I did too." He shimmies his body down over Dirk's and presses his cheek back up against his chest, his thumb still turning slow circles. "The island _was_ lonely, I won't deny that. But I always knew somewhere out there past the wild blue yonder there _were_ people, Dirk. A whole damn fucking lot people, actually. Whole gigantic cities filled with millions and millions of people, just going about their day to day. Hell, I knew Jane was out there, somewhere. I thought that you were too for a long time, even though you sometimes said things that sounded like downright batshit balderdash." 

He turns his face and kisses his way across Dirk's chest. "I never had to think seriously about things like… shit, I don't know. Sending myself across a few friggin centuries piece by piece in a tiny little sendificator. How that might be the best thing you could hope for, when it came to you and I. You know what _I_ thought for the longest time?" He punctuates this question by dragging his tongue over the hard nub on the other side, thumb still stroking the other. He thinks he feels something, a little shiver, a little exhalation. He lets it slide. "I thought about what a pain in the rear it was going to be to figure out where Texas was once I was old enough and smart enough and brave enough to try something stupid like learning to build an airplane out of scrap lab material from old physics textbooks and a whole lot of youtube hobbyist sorts. That was _my_ struggle! Big freakin' deal, right?" 

He switches sides, swapping the steady ministrations of his thumb on one side and his tongue on the other. His own body is responding to this, now, certain parts of him taking an interest in the overall proceedings, and he decides he really wants the satisfaction of knowing Dirk is feeling something like that, too. He lifts his mouth off his chest and starts down his stomach. Dirk's arms twitch at his sides -- he sees this out of the corner of his eye -- but he pretends like he didn't, stopping halfway down to kiss the dipped hollow of his navel. "Do you ever wonder," Jake murmurs against this, grinning, "Why we even have these? We oughta be like trolls in this regard, considering how little _actual_ biology factored into our being." He runs his hands down Dirk's sides, tracing the ridges of his ribs, rising and falling just a little too fast. But his eyes are still closed, and he isn't interrupting. Good enough. 

"You never even had someone like my grandma to remember," he sighs, sliding his palms to rest against the jutting bones of Dirk's narrow hips, gripping him tight. "It was awful what happened to her, and I guess what happened to me because of what happened to her, but I wouldn't have traded those years of memories for the fat fucking goose egg you got, Dirk, not in a zillion years. You and Roxy have got to be the bravest people I know. Facing down the apocalypse and still finding time to chatter with me about whatever inane nonsense I was always pestering you with nonstop! Even _after_ you told me, I still didn't want to believe it. I mean _all_ of it, what it really meant for you and I and flying off to Texas and the fate of the friggin' _world..._ " 

He settles himself back on his knees and the backs of his legs. His chest feels kind of tight, remembering all this. Remembering pushing it all away, just one big bundle of bad feelings he couldn't be arsed to acknowledge, let alone sort through. "I always thought I'd convince you to come back and stay with me, somehow. Leave all the hustle and bustle of the city behind once we'd had our fill and beat a retreat back here like it was our secret lair, or something." He shakes his head. "God, the things I'd think about us doing, sometimes..." He was a man with an active imagination. Sue him if he put it to good use. "That's how it was, though. Ignore the bad stuff, distract myself with whatever I could. I could never have faced it all head on like you and Roxy." 

His thumbs are moving down and over Dirk's legs, now, tracing a wandering, aimless path around. He likes to think he's making Dirk totally crazy. There's a tension growing in him, winding tighter the longer Jake goes on. It's been building so slowly he hasn't noticed. "You need to _relax_ ," he says, admonishing, and Dirk actually does sink back, going limp again against the mattress. "Good," Jake says, humming happily, pressing a sloppy kiss onto the inside of his thigh. These efforts reward him with the sight of Dirk's nethers giving up their own charade, stirring up to full attention. Tempting. 

"I can't _believe_ , after all that, there was a portal on the fucking island the whole time." He laughs, kissing his way down, lifting Dirk's leg to tease his tongue along the crease at the back of his knee. "Wouldn't that have been something, if I'd found it ahead of time? Wonder what they would have done with a lost living Prospitian wandering the streets of Derse." He lets Dirk's leg drop. Leans back. Studies him. 

"God," he says, after a long moment, during which he swears he catches Dirk twitching, again. "I always imagined you handsome. The pictures confirmed it, obviously, but -- shit. Pictures don't do you a bit of justice." He pulls Dirk's legs up over his knees and around his waist, sliding between them and leaning in so their parts press flush together. He can see the muscles all down Dirk's throat clench as he swallows, and he smirks while he rocks their hips together, teasing. "You're doing a fine job, by the way. You're so damn lovely this way. It's nice, isn't it? Letting me take care of you? I like to think by this point I even know some of what I'm doing." He's trying to make him laugh on purpose. Answer. React. It's mighty inconsiderate of him, considering the rules he laid out at the start of this, but Dirk has to know at this point Jake wouldn't be too keen to stop even if he broke a few.

But he doesn't, and now it's almost like a challenge. Jake reaches for him, wraps his fingers around that certain distracting part of him, gives him a teasing little squeeze before he starts up and down in timeless rhythm. Dirk's hips rock noticeably forward, and that's cheating, but even more brazen is the way his eyelids flutter and then don't close all the way, like even his long lashes can hide such obvious peeking. There's been a slow pink blush crawling up Dirk's neck for awhile now, but now patches are blooming here and there over his whole body -- his shoulders light up and blushy blotches start to spread over the exposed plane of his stomach. Jake rolls his thumb over the tip of his cock, gently exposing the sensitive head. He licks his lips and shimmies back and doubles over, lapping flat-tongued over him, then curls his tongue and runs the tip of it around to the underside of the swollen head, and back up.

Dirk makes a sound at this, the first _real_ sound he's made so far, a groggy desperate _mmmgh_ sort of noise, and it's that more than anything else that makes Jake's cheeks flush with pleasure of his own. He takes the head of Dirk's cock into his mouth, sucking lightly, teasing the very tip of him with his tongue. Tricks he learned from Dirk himself, actually. Turnabout being fair play, and all that. Dirk's gone quite tense, again, his legs tightening around him, but that's all right. The game's just about up. 

He brings him in deep, bobbing over him a few times before he pulls his mouth off him, tasting the undeniable evidence of just how worked up Dirk actually is. Good. He sits up. What they did earlier was hard and frenzied and _glorious_ , but that isn't what he wants this to be. He wants this to be something just as passionate, but without all the substitution of feelings for primal action. 

Not that primal action isn't _fantastic._ It's just... 

"I like you like this," he whispers, settling back into place between his legs. "I want you to let me do this again, sometime. Maybe even more." He pauses. Moves one hand back to Dirk's hips, guiding him against his own impatient length. Twitches his hips forward, using his other free hand to press their cocks together, sliding along each other's length. His breath is coming a little uneven now, too, to tell the truth. Swallowing hard, he hefts himself over Dirk, using one hand to make sure they stay pressed together where it counts, trapping them between the rest of their bodies. He moves his entire body in long, exaggerated sweeps, and a familiar heat starts to pool in him, building slow and hot. 

Dirk's eyes are half open and lidded, his lips parted just slightly, and Jake can't resist; he presses their mouths together while he grinds other parts of them together down below, and Dirk makes another sound, and then another. 

Jake decides to take pity on him, but he has one more thing to say, first. He pulls his face away. Their lips make a wet sound, parting. 

"I hope you know I love you, Dirk," he says, softly. "I hope that's something _you_ believe in, you damn prickly son of a gun."

He sees all the little muscles in Dirk's face move at once. Watches his eyes squeeze tightly shut. Hears his little intake of breath. 

"You can wake up, now," Jake laughs, expecting him to jump up and react immediately. Except ... he doesn't. He doesn't move at all. He just lays there, eyes closed, hips twitching almost involuntarily in time with Jake's steady, building movements. "Dirk," he says, softly, slowing, concern and a little shred of doubt prickling at the edges of it. 

_Doubt._

He feels something between them shiver and snap, some thread of power he hadn't even noticed building there until it was gone. Dirk's eyes fly open, and he sucks in a ragged gasp. _Oh, fuck_ , Jake thinks, shock stopping him cold. It's like being dunked in a cold lake. His mouth drops open.

Then Dirk's eyes meet his, and -- oh fuck. Oh flipping fucking shit. Dirk sits up, slides his hands over Jake's shoulders, twines his hands around the back of neck, and just, just -- fuck. Dirk can really kiss a guy when he puts his mind to it, and this is, what is this? What just happened? What had he actually just been doing?

By the time Dirk lets him go, he's light headed for lack of air, among other things. "Is this a fucking dream?" Dirk growls at him, demanding an answer, voice hoarse and low and raw and holy fucking hell's bells, what's _happening?_

"Dirk," he says, unsteadily, blinking at him in wide-eyed astonishment. "You -- I -- _really_ didn't --" his voice outright squeaks. Dirk is touching his face, gripping his chin in his fingers, pressing his forehead against his. 

"I need to know," Dirk says, but before Jake can answer, Dirk is kissing him again. Jake clings to him, mind reeling. It's another long one that leaves him dizzy. 

"I didn't mean to," he starts, when he can get a word in edgewise, and Dirk just shakes his head and pulls him down against him. Jake lands heavily atop him, still babbling. "I didn't mean, I wouldn't have, if I thought, I just, holy fucking shit, Dirk, I didn't--" 

"Please don't tell me you didn't mean any of it," Dirk says, and Jake shakes his head so hard his glasses damn near fly off his face. 

"I meant the _words_ ," he manages. "Obviously, but --" 

"Okay," Dirk cuts him off. "I don't care about the rest. We can talk about it later." 

"But," 

"Jake." 

"God, you'll never sleep with me again, will you? I wouldn't blame you! I can't believe I -- Dirk I would never have for a second if I thought you weren't playing right along, I --" 

"Jake, god damn it. Pay attention." 

" _What?_ " 

"I love you," Dirk says. 

And just like that, his panic is immediately consumed by a tangle of much more complex emotion, warm and huge and filling him so full he worries for a second he can't contain it. His head or chest or both are just going to explode. But it settles, and it's quiet, and they’re just staring at each other.

"Oh," Jake says, and he sounds exactly as dazed as he feels. Dirk’s fingers are gripping his shoulders tight enough to bruise, but he doesn’t mind a bit.

"Yeah," Dirk agrees, and they both lose the ability to maintain eye contact simultaneously. Dirk looks past him at something over his shoulder, his grip relaxing slightly. Jake drops his gaze down, biting his lip. "This... _isn't_ a dream, right?" Dirk says, finally, and he sounds so small and unsure and genuinely fucking worried about it, and Jake knows he should say something affirming and comforting, but he can’t untangle his thoughts well enough to turn them into words. He still isn’t quite sure what exactly happened there, and also, Dirk Strider loves him. His brain gives up. It overloads and he just laughs, high pitched and nervous and more of a giggle than anything dashing or dignified. Dirk snaps his gaze back onto his face, searching him. 

"No," Jake manages, finally, collapsing against him, wrapping his arms tight around him. "Not a dream. Something far more fucked up than that, I'm afraid." 

"But this is real," Dirk says.

"Yes. That is, I'm fairly sure. I -- yes. It's real." 

"Jesus," Dirk mutters, squeezing him back. "Thank fuck." 

*

GT: Ahoy there lady!  
GT: Ive got a load of people to thank today and youve got the special distinction of being first in line.   
GT: On account of the fact that callie specifically requested i update you the second i could.   
TG: im here  
TG: feed me the deets english i need them to live  
GT: I highly doubt that.   
TG: shows how much u know  
TG: but the deets jake  
TG: focus on the deets  
GT: Yes yes all right. No need to be pushy im getting to it!  
GT: Er though there actually isnt much to tell. It turns out that everything is just fine.   
GT: I mean with dirk and i and all of it its fine.   
GT: Its more than just fine really.   
GT: Its downright fucking superb and no one needs to worry about a thing.  
TG: damn son  
TG: u havent even said anything particularly lewd and youve STILL got me blushing over here  
TG: nice work   
GT: My lips are sealed from any further divulgence blush worthy or otherwise!  
GT: But i didnt want anyone to worry this was some unresolved ongoing thing.   
TG: this was never rly about sleep was it  
TG: nah u know what  
TG: u dont even gotta answer thats how sure i am  
GT: I dont… ah hell.  
GT: It wasnt *not* about exactly what i said it was! There was just *more* to it too i guess. But it doesnt matter because like i said its all just fine. Really.  
GT: So now you know.   
GT: Thanks again.   
TG: i gotta know  
TG: is he asleep rn  
TG: at this very moment  
TG: lookin all peaceful and angelic as fuck  
GT: Absolutely yes.  
TG: i knew it  
TG: well then  
TG: what the fresh heck are you doin talking to me you fuckin loser  
TG: go snuggle with your boyfriend or whatever  
TG: imma go gossip about yall w/everyone :)  
TG: peace  
GT: Wait roxy no!  
GT: I still have a bunch more messages to send to people before you go making shit up and beating me to the punch!  
GT: Augh  
GT: God fucking damn it!  


*

UU: i Understand that yoU've managed to solve yoUr stUbborn sticky wicket?  
UU: don't worry. i wont press yoU for any sordid details.  
UU: bUt i do want yoU to know that i'm proUd of yoU.   
UU: even if yoU did elect not to Use yoUr powers. im sorry if i worried yoU before. im sUre it will all come natUrally to yoU in dUe time.  
UU: and in the meantime... i'll do my best to discoUrage roxy from saying anything too oUtrageoUs. u_u  
GT: Thanks callie.   
GT: Youre a real pal.   
GT: Say though. About those powers...  
GT: You know  
GT: I   
GT: Hrm.  
UU: :u?  
UU: yes?   
UU: are yoU still there, jake?   
GT: Yeah but you know what never mind.   
GT: Its nothing at all just forget all that.   
GT: Can you just make sure roxy at *least* doesnt get to jade before i do???   
UU: of coUrse. i'll try my best.   
GT: Thanks a million.   
UU: yoU're very welcome, jake. i’m always happy to help if i can. please do keep that in mind, will yoU?  
GT: Yeah of course. Right-o. In the future ill be absolutely sure to remember that callie is always waiting in the wings to come running to the rescue!!  
UU: even for silly things, like rUminating together aboUt the potential of magic powers. :u  
GT: Yeah...   
GT: Ill definitely keep you in mind. Promise.  
UU: then that’s all i can ask for. I’ll be looking forward to oUr fUtUre roUsing conversations. it’s rather nice, actUally. since i no longer have any caUsal spoilers, even i get to be sUrprised by the timing of certain events!  
UU: but enoUgh chatter. i had better go see to that favoUr i promised yoU, no? ta-ta for now, darling. ^u^  
GT: Farewell fair lady! And thanks again.  


**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr @ [landofsomethingsomething](http://landofsomethingsomething.tumblr.com)!


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